32 Weeks!

I keep wondering how we got here. It seems like these past four weeks just flew by.

 I did try to keep my gestational diabetes under control with diet but unfortunately I wasn't able to do so. I have to take insulin before bed to help with my waking numbers. So far that seems to have done the trick. I have also only gained 5 pounds since I became pregnant. I think the key was to get heavy before I got pregnant! LOL

Sadly I had to leave my midwife practice. Once I was an on insulin they could no longer handle my prenatal care or deliver the baby. I found another practice which is very popular and has very good doctors but it's quite the culture shock.

When you work with a midwifery practice they give very personalized care. At this big OB practice I see them for maybe seven minutes and then they're out the door. They do have a midwife that works with the practice. I've seen her once and I really like her. I've only met one out of three of the other OBs. She was kind of quick and had dry humor so I didn't really know how to take her.

It seems like a majority of our natural birth plan is out the window. I'll be hooked up to a monitor and have my sugars tested every hour and cannot labor/birth in the water. I'm hoping to just stave off all the other interventions such as an epidural,  Pitocin and a possible C-section. I would still like to have as natural birth as possible. As long as Everly comes out healthy that is all that matters.

So far Everly is growing normally. One side effect of gestational diabetes is a larger baby. She seems to be right on track. We got her 3-D ultrasound and boy did she look like her brother! We really just can't wait to meet her.

Look at those cheeks!

28 Weeks

Again its been quite awhile since I have updated this blog

I am now 28 wks pregnant. Things have been coming along smoothly with the exception of being diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  I really was completely shocked. Even though diabetes is prevalent on both sides of my family, I really didn’t think I would get it.  I failed both my 1 hour and 3 hour miserably.

For the past week I have taken my glucose levels 4 times a day.  My morning waking numbers are always high (they need to be under 90, but are always 105-109). My numbers during the day which are affected by my diet are usually very good.  My ketones which need to be negative or trace are always high which means I need to eat more carbs, but when I do, my glucose levels go up. So basically it looks like I will need to go on insulin.  I meet my endocrinologist tomorrow for the first time and I think he will recommend insulin.  I feel like it may take some stress off of me as I am very anxious every time I take my levels in the morning.

The absolutely disappointing part of all of this is I will now need to switch practices. I will be considered high risk once I am put on medication, which in turn means I cannot deliver at the birth center and have a water birth. My current midwifery practice can refer me to a natural birth supportive OB which would deliver me at a big hospital. I really am trying to avoid that so I am seeing about switching to another local midwifery practice who delivers at a smaller hospital.  I am speaking to her today so I hope she will take me so late into my pregnancy.

On a positive note, we get out 3D ultrasound again in a few weeks. It will be the first one where we might get a good glimpse of her face and what she may look like at birth.

Keep your fingers crossed!

21 Weeks

I am trying so hard to keep up on this blog! My days seem to run together and I am just busy as ever!

I was getting a little sad that I couldn't feel her move too much and then BAM! I have felt her move like crazy all day.  It is an awesome yet surreal feeling.

I am finally starting to "feel" pregnant!

We have also picked her name:

Everly James Hazelton

Here is her latest ultrasound (20 wks):

Its a side view and she is tilting her head to the left while sucking her thumb. She is measuring perfectly!

19 Weeks & Counting!

I need to start paying more attention to this blog.

I don’t know if its because I am busier this time or that this is baby #3 so you document less?

When Lauren was pregnant with Jamesen I must have blogged every day. When I was pregnant with Brianna blogging was not really a “thing” yet so I didn’t keep track that way. Not to mention I was 19 and tried to separate myself from the realization I was having a baby.

I will be 19 weeks tomorrow. Since I was a little fluffy to begin with, I am not really showing yet. Oddly enough this is making me feel “not pregnant”. I haven’t gained any weight yet either which my midwives are happy about. My belly is feeling harder and I can no longer sleep on my stomach. That sucks because I am a definite stomach sleeper! Sleeping is also an issue as I wake up to pee around 3:30 am every night and most times cannot fall back to sleep.

Now enough with this complaining! 

I am so very grateful to be pregnant. I read so many blogs where women are still TTC. I offer words of encouragement but I wonder if me saying anything (as a pregnant woman) makes them sad. I remember feeling sad when others would get pregnant when I was still trying. I was happy for them but slightly envious (which is a sucky emotion to have).  It is nice though when I start seeing a lot of my fellow lesbian bloggers getting their BFPs!

I am still in shock we are having a girl. For some reason I was sure I was having a boy. I am just happy she is healthy!

Having the access to 3D ultrasounds is very cool, but when you have them done early the baby is so alien like. It is still really nice to see her grow. My next ultrasound is in about a week or so and then I don’t get another one unless I pay for it somewhere around the 34 week range.

Below is her latest one.  Tomorrow I have my monthly appointment. I look forward to them.

Wowza!

figures..

I guess I spoke too soon.

A few hours after I posted a started to bleed....a lot heavier than before.  It has since slowed down and Lauren found the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. I try to relax but it is almost impossible. My OB/GYN and my midwife both said I might just be a bleeder. Yay!

There is nothing worse than seeing blood when you are pregnant.

13 Weeks and Counting!

Yes I know I haven't written in quite some time!

As of tomorrow I am 13 weeks pregnant. How the hell did that happen?

In the past 6 weeks I have had two cases of bleeding. Of course I freaked out and thought my pregnancy was over. My dear wife Lauren stayed calm and reassured me this can be totally normal. After 2 ultrasounds and lots of blood work, I am delighted and relieved to say I have a nice healthy baby doing flips in my belly. I may just have a vascular cervix which is prone to some bleeding.

We have switched over from my Dr. D my current OB/GYN to a birth center with an awesome group of midwives. Lauren had our son J at a similar birth center and we both really liked the care and experience.  The only reason why I chose a different birth center is because I want to have a water birth and this is the only birth center in the area that offers this.

http://thebirthcenter.com/

I am 100% dedicated to having as natural of a birthing experience as possible. Water has always been very soothing to me and from what I read it is very helpful in pain management and with the prevention of tearing.

May 3 we will find out what we are having! I am so very excited.  Of course we will be happy whether it’s a boy or a girl and we really only want a healthy baby, but I am hoping for another boy. It would be a tad easier as we have everything packed away from J. Having a teenage daughter right now does now make me yearn for another female in my house.

Hopefully I will update more but I will leave you a picture of our 10 week ultrasound of “Speck”.

Quiet

I have wanted to write more but everything seems so quiet.

I am still having a hard time excepting I am pregnant. I dont have a lot of symptoms. I tend to be tired a lot and have mild nausea sporadically. Embarrassingly, I took the last of our pregnancy tests yesterday just to make sure I am still nice and pregnant.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the role reversals in this pregnancy. Lauren carried J and I was quite content taking care of her and J during this time. I guess I would say I am more of the masculine one of the two of, not in a physical way but in more of a personality way. I am not one to sit by and let someone "take care of me", but I know at some  point I may need to surrender to this. I am a provider, a giver and maybe a self imposed martyr in this way. It is really all I know. I almost feel guilty knowing I will depend on Lauren as this pregnancy progresses.

I also find myself worried that I will not be as wonderful of a baby carrier as my wife Lauren. Pregnancy seemed to come to easily to her. Also, she went with hypnobirthing and had a beautiful, quiet labor with our son. I find it hard to quiet my mind in order to get into that space. I know I will go the midwife route and water birth at a birthing center, but I am not sure if I can be as quiet and centered as she was.

I am a true believer that we as women need to trust our bodies. We are meant to give birth. Our body was designed to do so. I do look forward to owning the birthing experience. Even with this is mind, I am very worried I will not be able to handle it in the way I want to. I know it is so early to have these fears but there they are.

If anyone reading this has had similar situation, I would love to hear your story.  What was it like for you to watch your partner carry after you carried or vice-versa??

Sigh

As I sit here and think about all of the changes that are coming, I can't seem to also shake the thoughts of what won't come.

The only sad thing about this whole journey from TTC to now being pregnant, is the inability to share this with two off the most important women o my entire life... my Mom and stepmom. In so many ways they were my strengths and security. My Mom had a lot of issues with addiction so I spent most of my life taking care of her but that never stopped me from needing her as my Mom. She always had a way of making me feel loved unconditionally. She believed in me and made me believe in myself.

My stepmom was a parent to me in the traditional sense. She showed me boundaries and structure, while also showing me love and guidance. She was an excellent Mom Mom to my daughter B and helped me raise her the first 4 yrs of her life. I am so very grateful for that. Sadly she never got to meet my son J.

I am very fortunate to have the best mother in law ever who always makes me feel welcomed and loved. She has been an excellent Grandmom to both of my kids. I take comfort in knowing she is here.

I think during my labor I will bring something of my Mom's and something of my stepmom's to give me strength and comfort when I need it most.

Grateful

I am still in utter disbelief that I am pregnant.  Even with today’s good news about my beta I am still in denial. The only things that are constant reminders that I am indeed pregnant are the ACHING bobs and the constant fatigue. By no means am I complaining. I feel so very blessed (in a non-religious way) to even be pregnant.

I spent so many days over the past year convinced I would never get pregnant again. I cried, cursed, yelled & cried again.  I blamed myself for allowing myself to get out of shape and for not taking better care of my body.  I felt broken. Women are amazing creatures. We have the ability to create and grow another life. I felt if I was unable to do that than I was considered broken. Looking back on those feelings I know they were irrational, but that is how I felt in that moment.

As I sit here with my aching boobs, barely able to keep my eyes open, I am blissfully happy and grateful to the universe.

Second Beta

I think I will start trying to enjoy this more!

Beta 1736.5
Progesterone 20.4

Doubling Time - 39.16 hours

Venting my spleen

I am starting to toy with the idea of password protected posts. I have some things I need to vent about and I do not want to feel like I have to filter myself.

This is my space to vent and let go of fears or to process them.

Good start!

So my beta came back yesterday. It was 77 & progesterone is 43 (at 10 dpo)! I feel somewhat better now. I have to go back for another beta on Monday to make sure my numbers are doubling as they should.  Once that is confirmed I think I get to make my first prenatal appt.

Maybe I will get a scan to take a look at Speck sometime at the end of February or for my birthday in March.

Today would have been my Mother's 56th birthday. It would have been an awesome gift to tell her I was expecting. Sadly, we lost her 5 years ago to an accidental overdose. This pregnancy although a joyous occasion is somewhat bittersweet for me without her.

Tomorrow also marks 6 years that we lost my step-mom to breast cancer. In past years during this time, I would be very depressed and sad, but with my recent BFP I am just overjoyed! I keep talking to my Mom & step-mom asking hem to watch over my growing little one. Each day I start to get a little more excited.

But man oh man..... this is going to be a long 9 months!

Nervous Nelly

So I have been pregnant for 3 days now. I went in for blood work yesterday and hope to have my beta count by tonight or tomorrow. To say I am worried is a total understatement.

I have not truly enjoyed the last 3 days like I thought I would. All I keep thinking about is whether or not Speck will stick around (yes that’s our nickname for the little one!).  Like many other women TTC, I spent vast amounts of time on Fert.lity Friend, reading TTC blogs and looking on other TTC related websites. I can remember reading about chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages.  That is all that I have swirling in my brain right now.

I am almost too scared to get excited about this. We did tell some family & friends and I instantly felt regretful for doing so as I was convincing myself that something bad will happen. I guess this is the price you pay for being too educated about what can happen.  Its also the price you pay for knowing you’re pregnant as early as possible.

Please tell me I am not the only one who has felt this way??

Um...

I am beyond shocked.

Wanna come to my pity party?

I have no idea what is wrong with me today. Maybe its the progesterone or maybe its just sadness. I keep having these feelings that I will not get pregnant again without major medical intervention  This is not even an option financially right now and it just saddens me. I am not even out of this cycle's TWW and I am already feeling defeated.

I know I should try and stay positive, but it is so hard to do! I am very grateful for the 2 healthy and beautiful children we have but I have wanted this so bad. This has taken over our life in 2 week chunks for the past year and I am just getting tired of it.

Pity party rant over.

3dpo

Ahh, so here we are...right at the beginning of the TWW. I took the first of my progesterone yesterday. It made me feel a little tired and I had a hot flash.  That is definitely not abnormal for me though.

I am still sticking with my acupuncture. I am actually going tonight. They say it takes 3 to 4 months to actually see any changes from it but I am thinking that ovulating 10 days sooner with copious amounts of EWCM which is more than usual is a definite welcomed change!  I have also kept up with working out at least 5 days a week for 20 mins in the morning. I hate every second of it but I know its needed.

Our insem timing this month was spot on and Fertility Friend has it marked as “High”, which means it was timed well.  I am feeling optimistic about this cycle but I am kind of afraid to do so. I hate the feeling of being let down when I do not see those 2 pink lines.  If I don’t get my long awaited BFP this month I start Clo.mid next month. I really hope it doesn’t come to that but its nice knowing I have a plan.

My day just got a little better!

Holy shit! I got a positive OPK today! This is freaking me out because I haven’t been ovulating until CD29 for the past few months and now here I am at CD18 and I am about to ovulate! It has to be this acupuncture. I have a load of CM this month (which lately I have not had any) and I think the exercise and copious amount of water I am drinking is helping BIG time.

I am trying desperately not to get my hopes up but I can’t help it.

Here’s to Cycle 9!

Blah

My sister-in-law just announced she is pregnant (not planned). I am happy for her because I adore her but it has put me in a bad funk. Then I feel guilty about those feelings.

I really wish I could just be happy for her and bask in the glory of my new Auntie status but I can't. Instead I sit here and have a pity party and fight the green eyed monster. I cried like a baby!

It's so hard for me to think I will ever get pregnant.

I'm not sure if anyone TTC really reads this, but if so, how do you handle news of friends and family getting pregnant? Does it bother you? Do you also get into a funk?

Wine sounds good...

Here's J! (in my best Ed McMahon voice)

Ah, my 5 yr old son J. Where do I begin?

I guess with the beginning! J was a very planned baby. Lauren & I conceived him through at home insemination with a known fresh donor. This simply means a male friend of ours entered a contract with us signing away all of his rights to any child created from our insems. He would basically do his thing in a cup; we would then bring it home and insem Lauren with it via a needless syringe and catheter.  J was conceived on the first try with this donor.  I am using the same donor. I am hoping we get pregnant again with him. It would be nice for our children to biologically share a sibling.

J is a character. He is funny, bright and loving. He would rather be home with us then anywhere else.  Sometimes this causes an issue because he does not like to stay the night anywhere or be babysat. Lauren is ok with this but I would like a little adult time once in awhile which is basically non-existent at this point. He also is not a big fan of school. Don’t get me wrong he does very well and even likes homework (that wont last long), but he doesn’t like being away from home. I think this has a lot to do with Lauren being with him all day his entire life. He only went to pre-school for a short time and it was only twice a week. He is getting better though and will even stay at my mother-in-law’s occasionally without too much fuss.

J loves dinosaurs! I swear this boy has every dinosaur book and toy made. This started at age 2 and has increased.  Its so cute when he can tell you what a carnivore and herbivore both are.  

With J being the only boy in the house and the youngest he is treated like a king. I often wonder how he will adjust when we have another baby. I think it will take some getting used to but he will be fine.

J loves to dance and we must have a million videos of him doing so.  I will try to post one soon. For now here is a recent picture of him. He is a BIG boy and is built like a linebacker. We tried to get him to play football but he is just a gentle giant and did not like it too much. I think we will get him into karate or soccer to get him more socialized.

I will work on a post about Lauren but work is calling my name!

Introducing "B"

This isn’t really a post about TTC but when you are waiting to ovulate during a long cycle you have a lot of time to kill.  I figured I would introduce each of my kids and partner to pass the time.

I have a 13 yr old daughter B. She and I could not be any more different. She is very girly, into make-up, loves jewelry and doing hair. Me? Not so much.

I had B very young (I was 19). We did a lot of growing up together. I made a lot of mistakes with her and I know it was because I was so young and unprepared to be a Mother. I was literally mothering my own Mother.  My Mom was a 41 year old heroin addict at this time (I could write a book about that). I worked 50+ hours a week as a waitress while going to school and trying to be a Mom at the same time (no help from her father). The mere fact that she has all of her limbs and can talk is a miracle! Thank God for my Dad & step-mom who helped me raise her the first 4 yrs of her life.

Now let’s fast forward to today. I want to rip her lips off! Everything I say to her is met with an attitude or a “tone”.  And yes I think I have said to her “Its not what you say, but how you say it” about a million times. She just does not get it!  This makes it very difficult to enjoy spending time with her. I know I need to really work on picking my battles with her but she can be quite aggravating. Couple this with her ADHD and we have a party going on.  B was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 years old. She is ADHD to the core. Her attention span is zilch, she can’t remember anything and without her meds she is a ball of over-the-top energy.  She does not have the oppositional aspect of ADHD but her lack of focus makes giving her directions, following through and school work a living hell.

B struggles in school which can be frustrating for both of us. I think it eats at her confidence and she just takes any comments from me as a dig or criticism. In truth I am just trying to help her reach her full potential.  I had to fight tooth and nail to get B seen by the Child Study Team at her school. They finally tested her last week and I am waiting on the results. I am just glad we are getting accommodations in place before she goes to high school next year.

B is also a very strong young lady. We lost my step-mom (age 51) 6 years ago to breast cancer. They were VERY. A year later we lost my Mom (also age 51) to an accidental overdose. B was also very close to her. B has handled it as well as can be expected. Then this past October B lost her father to an overdose. They were close but his presence in her life was very inconsistent. He would see her every weekend to every other weekend for 6 mths and then disappear for months on end. He was very good with her when he had her but only in a “fun Dad” kind of way. He never disciplined her, watched her soccer games, financially supported her or really taught her anything. He was just the fun guy. He struggled his whole life with an addict for a mother, no other family support and an addiction of his own.  B handled his passing fairly well and I do not think it has really hit her yet. With him being so inconsistent I guess it just feels like one of his absences again.   It breaks my heart to see her hurt.

B is also a very loving person. She does not like to see people hurt in any way. She loves her family immensely and is affectionate. She adores her little brother J and for the most part is good with him, with the exception of the normal annoyances that comes along with a little brother.  

Lauren and B tend to interact like sisters which can be difficult for all of us but at the end of the day they loves each other very much.  Lauren has been a constant in her life for almost 10 years. Lauren has taught me to be a better mother and is great with setting boundaries for both kids. As much as B annoys the hell out of Lauren, I know Lauren loves her as her own. 

B has a long road ahead of her in high school and I am not looking forward to it. Maybe her vocal cords with turn off for a bit….

Here’s to wishful thinking!

You Might Be An Infertile If…

I thought this was funny but so true!


You Might Be An Infertile If…

1. If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
2. If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
3. If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
4. If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
5. If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
6. If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
7. If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
8. If you have ever considered the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoking after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
9. If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
10. If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
11. If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
12. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
13. If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
14. If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
15. If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
16. If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
17. If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
18. If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
19. If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
20. You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
21. You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
22. With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
23. You actually hate one of your body parts.
24. You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
25. You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
26. If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm are required, or how many follicles you have.
27. If you find it a miracle that people actually manage to get pregnant.
28. If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
29. If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
30. If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
31. You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
32. You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
33. You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
34. You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
35. If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
36. If you’ve ever argued with your partner about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
37. If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
38. If you’ve ever found yourself yelling at your spell checker, becauseIUI and IVF are real abbreviations for some important procedures and damn the creator for not including them in their programming!
39. You know that your birds and the bees discussion with your child will read more like a medical dissertation.
40. If you’ve ever been thankful for having a fat roll, as it makes injections more comfortable.

Pity Party

Hmm. Where to begin? I am feeling a little down today. We are going into cycle 9 of this process. Naively enough I really thought I would get pregnant within the first few months. Now with the knowledge of low progesterone (P4 levels were 2 at 7dpo) I am weighing my options.

I don’t know if I want to keep trying at home the next few months. I am really considering seeing an RE, but the cost is a worry. Lauren is in the beginning stages of looking for a nursing job and money is tight. My insurance does not cover most infertility related expenses which sucks. I was hoping Lauren would find a good job with fertility coverage but I cannot depend on that. I am contemplating an Egg Donor Program. This is where I would donate half of my eggs at retrieval and they would go to a couple that needs them. In return my IVF would be paid for or largely discounted.

My sperm donors have both told me they would do whatever it takes such as donating at a clinic or doctor’s office. That is a big help because donor sperm, if we had to pay for it, would run us $300 to $500 per cycle. 

I know I need to lose weight too and I am working on it. I have changed most of my eating habits and will be starting yoga. As I mentioned in my last post, I have started acupuncture twice a week. We will see what that does. I do enjoy it because it gives me a chance to relax.

I really wish I wouldn't get so depressed and negative about things. I know there are so many people who have tried to get pregnant for years and have no children. I think I need to focus on what I do have and not what I don have. 

Onto Cycle 9!

And now I’m at CD3.

Cycle no. 8 was a flop. I didn’t take it too hard this month. I guess I am just getting used to being let down.  The good news, if you can call it that, is my OB/GYN called to tell me my progesterone levels are 2. This means I do ovulate but my progesterone level is too low to maintain a pregnancy which means I might have a luteal phase defect.  I will start 200 mg of progesterone the day after I ovulate.  Maybe this is all I will need. I will try 2 months of that and then ask about Clomid.

I will continue to take my Fertility Blend supplements from CD1 to whenever I ovulate and then its on to the progesterone! I am also changing my eating habits to try and lose weight and starting to do yoga when I find a video I like.  I would like to go to classes but can’t do that until Lauren gets a new job. I also want to try acupuncture once she finds a nursing spot.

Lauren passed her state boards and is now a licensed nurse! I am so very proud of her. This is going to open up so many doors for her & our family.  I am hoping whatever job she gets has better medical coverage and possibly fertility treatment coverage. I don’t think I would do the IVF route but it would be nice to have RE appointments & meds covered in case we decide to go that way.  My insurance covers nothing. Bummer.

Off to lunch I go…