Quiet

I have wanted to write more but everything seems so quiet.

I am still having a hard time excepting I am pregnant. I dont have a lot of symptoms. I tend to be tired a lot and have mild nausea sporadically. Embarrassingly, I took the last of our pregnancy tests yesterday just to make sure I am still nice and pregnant.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the role reversals in this pregnancy. Lauren carried J and I was quite content taking care of her and J during this time. I guess I would say I am more of the masculine one of the two of, not in a physical way but in more of a personality way. I am not one to sit by and let someone "take care of me", but I know at some  point I may need to surrender to this. I am a provider, a giver and maybe a self imposed martyr in this way. It is really all I know. I almost feel guilty knowing I will depend on Lauren as this pregnancy progresses.

I also find myself worried that I will not be as wonderful of a baby carrier as my wife Lauren. Pregnancy seemed to come to easily to her. Also, she went with hypnobirthing and had a beautiful, quiet labor with our son. I find it hard to quiet my mind in order to get into that space. I know I will go the midwife route and water birth at a birthing center, but I am not sure if I can be as quiet and centered as she was.

I am a true believer that we as women need to trust our bodies. We are meant to give birth. Our body was designed to do so. I do look forward to owning the birthing experience. Even with this is mind, I am very worried I will not be able to handle it in the way I want to. I know it is so early to have these fears but there they are.

If anyone reading this has had similar situation, I would love to hear your story.  What was it like for you to watch your partner carry after you carried or vice-versa??