Wanna come to my pity party?

I have no idea what is wrong with me today. Maybe its the progesterone or maybe its just sadness. I keep having these feelings that I will not get pregnant again without major medical intervention  This is not even an option financially right now and it just saddens me. I am not even out of this cycle's TWW and I am already feeling defeated.

I know I should try and stay positive, but it is so hard to do! I am very grateful for the 2 healthy and beautiful children we have but I have wanted this so bad. This has taken over our life in 2 week chunks for the past year and I am just getting tired of it.

Pity party rant over.

3dpo

Ahh, so here we are...right at the beginning of the TWW. I took the first of my progesterone yesterday. It made me feel a little tired and I had a hot flash.  That is definitely not abnormal for me though.

I am still sticking with my acupuncture. I am actually going tonight. They say it takes 3 to 4 months to actually see any changes from it but I am thinking that ovulating 10 days sooner with copious amounts of EWCM which is more than usual is a definite welcomed change!  I have also kept up with working out at least 5 days a week for 20 mins in the morning. I hate every second of it but I know its needed.

Our insem timing this month was spot on and Fertility Friend has it marked as “High”, which means it was timed well.  I am feeling optimistic about this cycle but I am kind of afraid to do so. I hate the feeling of being let down when I do not see those 2 pink lines.  If I don’t get my long awaited BFP this month I start Clo.mid next month. I really hope it doesn’t come to that but its nice knowing I have a plan.

My day just got a little better!

Holy shit! I got a positive OPK today! This is freaking me out because I haven’t been ovulating until CD29 for the past few months and now here I am at CD18 and I am about to ovulate! It has to be this acupuncture. I have a load of CM this month (which lately I have not had any) and I think the exercise and copious amount of water I am drinking is helping BIG time.

I am trying desperately not to get my hopes up but I can’t help it.

Here’s to Cycle 9!

Blah

My sister-in-law just announced she is pregnant (not planned). I am happy for her because I adore her but it has put me in a bad funk. Then I feel guilty about those feelings.

I really wish I could just be happy for her and bask in the glory of my new Auntie status but I can't. Instead I sit here and have a pity party and fight the green eyed monster. I cried like a baby!

It's so hard for me to think I will ever get pregnant.

I'm not sure if anyone TTC really reads this, but if so, how do you handle news of friends and family getting pregnant? Does it bother you? Do you also get into a funk?

Wine sounds good...

Here's J! (in my best Ed McMahon voice)

Ah, my 5 yr old son J. Where do I begin?

I guess with the beginning! J was a very planned baby. Lauren & I conceived him through at home insemination with a known fresh donor. This simply means a male friend of ours entered a contract with us signing away all of his rights to any child created from our insems. He would basically do his thing in a cup; we would then bring it home and insem Lauren with it via a needless syringe and catheter.  J was conceived on the first try with this donor.  I am using the same donor. I am hoping we get pregnant again with him. It would be nice for our children to biologically share a sibling.

J is a character. He is funny, bright and loving. He would rather be home with us then anywhere else.  Sometimes this causes an issue because he does not like to stay the night anywhere or be babysat. Lauren is ok with this but I would like a little adult time once in awhile which is basically non-existent at this point. He also is not a big fan of school. Don’t get me wrong he does very well and even likes homework (that wont last long), but he doesn’t like being away from home. I think this has a lot to do with Lauren being with him all day his entire life. He only went to pre-school for a short time and it was only twice a week. He is getting better though and will even stay at my mother-in-law’s occasionally without too much fuss.

J loves dinosaurs! I swear this boy has every dinosaur book and toy made. This started at age 2 and has increased.  Its so cute when he can tell you what a carnivore and herbivore both are.  

With J being the only boy in the house and the youngest he is treated like a king. I often wonder how he will adjust when we have another baby. I think it will take some getting used to but he will be fine.

J loves to dance and we must have a million videos of him doing so.  I will try to post one soon. For now here is a recent picture of him. He is a BIG boy and is built like a linebacker. We tried to get him to play football but he is just a gentle giant and did not like it too much. I think we will get him into karate or soccer to get him more socialized.

I will work on a post about Lauren but work is calling my name!

Introducing "B"

This isn’t really a post about TTC but when you are waiting to ovulate during a long cycle you have a lot of time to kill.  I figured I would introduce each of my kids and partner to pass the time.

I have a 13 yr old daughter B. She and I could not be any more different. She is very girly, into make-up, loves jewelry and doing hair. Me? Not so much.

I had B very young (I was 19). We did a lot of growing up together. I made a lot of mistakes with her and I know it was because I was so young and unprepared to be a Mother. I was literally mothering my own Mother.  My Mom was a 41 year old heroin addict at this time (I could write a book about that). I worked 50+ hours a week as a waitress while going to school and trying to be a Mom at the same time (no help from her father). The mere fact that she has all of her limbs and can talk is a miracle! Thank God for my Dad & step-mom who helped me raise her the first 4 yrs of her life.

Now let’s fast forward to today. I want to rip her lips off! Everything I say to her is met with an attitude or a “tone”.  And yes I think I have said to her “Its not what you say, but how you say it” about a million times. She just does not get it!  This makes it very difficult to enjoy spending time with her. I know I need to really work on picking my battles with her but she can be quite aggravating. Couple this with her ADHD and we have a party going on.  B was diagnosed with ADHD at 5 years old. She is ADHD to the core. Her attention span is zilch, she can’t remember anything and without her meds she is a ball of over-the-top energy.  She does not have the oppositional aspect of ADHD but her lack of focus makes giving her directions, following through and school work a living hell.

B struggles in school which can be frustrating for both of us. I think it eats at her confidence and she just takes any comments from me as a dig or criticism. In truth I am just trying to help her reach her full potential.  I had to fight tooth and nail to get B seen by the Child Study Team at her school. They finally tested her last week and I am waiting on the results. I am just glad we are getting accommodations in place before she goes to high school next year.

B is also a very strong young lady. We lost my step-mom (age 51) 6 years ago to breast cancer. They were VERY. A year later we lost my Mom (also age 51) to an accidental overdose. B was also very close to her. B has handled it as well as can be expected. Then this past October B lost her father to an overdose. They were close but his presence in her life was very inconsistent. He would see her every weekend to every other weekend for 6 mths and then disappear for months on end. He was very good with her when he had her but only in a “fun Dad” kind of way. He never disciplined her, watched her soccer games, financially supported her or really taught her anything. He was just the fun guy. He struggled his whole life with an addict for a mother, no other family support and an addiction of his own.  B handled his passing fairly well and I do not think it has really hit her yet. With him being so inconsistent I guess it just feels like one of his absences again.   It breaks my heart to see her hurt.

B is also a very loving person. She does not like to see people hurt in any way. She loves her family immensely and is affectionate. She adores her little brother J and for the most part is good with him, with the exception of the normal annoyances that comes along with a little brother.  

Lauren and B tend to interact like sisters which can be difficult for all of us but at the end of the day they loves each other very much.  Lauren has been a constant in her life for almost 10 years. Lauren has taught me to be a better mother and is great with setting boundaries for both kids. As much as B annoys the hell out of Lauren, I know Lauren loves her as her own. 

B has a long road ahead of her in high school and I am not looking forward to it. Maybe her vocal cords with turn off for a bit….

Here’s to wishful thinking!

You Might Be An Infertile If…

I thought this was funny but so true!


You Might Be An Infertile If…

1. If somebody has ever asked you the date, and you said Day 21.
2. If you forget that the entire world doesn’t know what an HSG is.
3. If you’ve had three people in a room look at your hoohaa and it not make you uncomfortable.
4. If you wake up and the first thing you reach for isn’t a cup of coffee but a thermometer.
5. If you have ever seen your internal organs on a plasma tv.
6. If you reach into your fridge and instead of getting milk you accidentally grab a hand full of needles, injection pens, or vials.
7. If you’ve put your feet in stirrups more times than you’ve had sex in a week.
8. If you have ever considered the following to get pregnant: Getting completely intoxicated, sex in the back of car, smoking after sex, in every position created, with a condom on, drinking more V8 juice, propping your hips up, acupuncture.
9. If you’ve ever displayed a chart of your temperature, cervical position and mucus, and times you’ve had sex on your fridge.
10. If you’ve ever played the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game for longer than a year.
11. If you’ve ever been caught staring longingly at a pregnant woman’s belly.
12. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be considered a threesome if the two nurses in the room and yourself manage to get you pregnant.
13. If the most action you’ve seen in a while is the camera that closely resembles a vibrator your doctor’s office uses.
14. If you’ve ever shot up in a bathroom stall and it was perfectly legal.
15. If you feel like you are constantly speaking in acronyms that nobody seems to understand.
16. If you know more about your reproductive organs and the female body than all of your girlfriends combined.
17. If you have ever been placed on birth control to achieve pregnancy.
18. If you have put out more money for medications than vacations in the past year.
19. If you measure your life in two week increments. If you avoid alcohol, smoking, hot baths, hot tubs, saunas, and caffeine.
20. You glare at parents who don’t truly appreciate their children, and scowl at the ones who complain.
21. You literally laugh at people who ask when you are going to have children.
22. With the money you’ve paid for fertility treatments you could have bought yourself a summer home in Fiji.
23. You actually hate one of your body parts.
24. You honestly believe that wearing white underwear or purchasing a pregnancy test will bring on your period.
25. You have no problems discussing cervical mucus, your period, sexual positions, or the color of whatever IT is that is leaking out of you.
26. If you actually know how thick your uterus is, how many sperm are required, or how many follicles you have.
27. If you find it a miracle that people actually manage to get pregnant.
28. If your medical file is thicker than a Bible.
29. If you become obsessed with the numbers, your uterine lining, cells, sperm, embryos, follicles…
30. If you have a degree from Google Med and an advanced degree from WebMD.
31. You’ve honestly considered buying a white lab coat and having your name monogramed on it, because you know nearly as much as your doctor.
32. You’ve analyzed your saliva for patterns that would indicate you are ovulating.
33. You are on a first name basis with your pharmacist.
34. You have ever seriously considering punching somebody for telling you to relax, and would feel completely justified in doing so.
35. If the word cycling has nothing to do with riding a bike.
36. If you’ve ever argued with your partner about which method you are going to use to try and get pregnant next.
37. If you’ve ever carried on a conversation with your ovaries or considered redecorating your uterus because someone told you it was inhospitable.
38. If you’ve ever found yourself yelling at your spell checker, becauseIUI and IVF are real abbreviations for some important procedures and damn the creator for not including them in their programming!
39. You know that your birds and the bees discussion with your child will read more like a medical dissertation.
40. If you’ve ever been thankful for having a fat roll, as it makes injections more comfortable.

Pity Party

Hmm. Where to begin? I am feeling a little down today. We are going into cycle 9 of this process. Naively enough I really thought I would get pregnant within the first few months. Now with the knowledge of low progesterone (P4 levels were 2 at 7dpo) I am weighing my options.

I don’t know if I want to keep trying at home the next few months. I am really considering seeing an RE, but the cost is a worry. Lauren is in the beginning stages of looking for a nursing job and money is tight. My insurance does not cover most infertility related expenses which sucks. I was hoping Lauren would find a good job with fertility coverage but I cannot depend on that. I am contemplating an Egg Donor Program. This is where I would donate half of my eggs at retrieval and they would go to a couple that needs them. In return my IVF would be paid for or largely discounted.

My sperm donors have both told me they would do whatever it takes such as donating at a clinic or doctor’s office. That is a big help because donor sperm, if we had to pay for it, would run us $300 to $500 per cycle. 

I know I need to lose weight too and I am working on it. I have changed most of my eating habits and will be starting yoga. As I mentioned in my last post, I have started acupuncture twice a week. We will see what that does. I do enjoy it because it gives me a chance to relax.

I really wish I wouldn't get so depressed and negative about things. I know there are so many people who have tried to get pregnant for years and have no children. I think I need to focus on what I do have and not what I don have. 

Onto Cycle 9!

And now I’m at CD3.

Cycle no. 8 was a flop. I didn’t take it too hard this month. I guess I am just getting used to being let down.  The good news, if you can call it that, is my OB/GYN called to tell me my progesterone levels are 2. This means I do ovulate but my progesterone level is too low to maintain a pregnancy which means I might have a luteal phase defect.  I will start 200 mg of progesterone the day after I ovulate.  Maybe this is all I will need. I will try 2 months of that and then ask about Clomid.

I will continue to take my Fertility Blend supplements from CD1 to whenever I ovulate and then its on to the progesterone! I am also changing my eating habits to try and lose weight and starting to do yoga when I find a video I like.  I would like to go to classes but can’t do that until Lauren gets a new job. I also want to try acupuncture once she finds a nursing spot.

Lauren passed her state boards and is now a licensed nurse! I am so very proud of her. This is going to open up so many doors for her & our family.  I am hoping whatever job she gets has better medical coverage and possibly fertility treatment coverage. I don’t think I would do the IVF route but it would be nice to have RE appointments & meds covered in case we decide to go that way.  My insurance covers nothing. Bummer.

Off to lunch I go…