Quiet

I have wanted to write more but everything seems so quiet.

I am still having a hard time excepting I am pregnant. I dont have a lot of symptoms. I tend to be tired a lot and have mild nausea sporadically. Embarrassingly, I took the last of our pregnancy tests yesterday just to make sure I am still nice and pregnant.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the role reversals in this pregnancy. Lauren carried J and I was quite content taking care of her and J during this time. I guess I would say I am more of the masculine one of the two of, not in a physical way but in more of a personality way. I am not one to sit by and let someone "take care of me", but I know at some  point I may need to surrender to this. I am a provider, a giver and maybe a self imposed martyr in this way. It is really all I know. I almost feel guilty knowing I will depend on Lauren as this pregnancy progresses.

I also find myself worried that I will not be as wonderful of a baby carrier as my wife Lauren. Pregnancy seemed to come to easily to her. Also, she went with hypnobirthing and had a beautiful, quiet labor with our son. I find it hard to quiet my mind in order to get into that space. I know I will go the midwife route and water birth at a birthing center, but I am not sure if I can be as quiet and centered as she was.

I am a true believer that we as women need to trust our bodies. We are meant to give birth. Our body was designed to do so. I do look forward to owning the birthing experience. Even with this is mind, I am very worried I will not be able to handle it in the way I want to. I know it is so early to have these fears but there they are.

If anyone reading this has had similar situation, I would love to hear your story.  What was it like for you to watch your partner carry after you carried or vice-versa??

Sigh

As I sit here and think about all of the changes that are coming, I can't seem to also shake the thoughts of what won't come.

The only sad thing about this whole journey from TTC to now being pregnant, is the inability to share this with two off the most important women o my entire life... my Mom and stepmom. In so many ways they were my strengths and security. My Mom had a lot of issues with addiction so I spent most of my life taking care of her but that never stopped me from needing her as my Mom. She always had a way of making me feel loved unconditionally. She believed in me and made me believe in myself.

My stepmom was a parent to me in the traditional sense. She showed me boundaries and structure, while also showing me love and guidance. She was an excellent Mom Mom to my daughter B and helped me raise her the first 4 yrs of her life. I am so very grateful for that. Sadly she never got to meet my son J.

I am very fortunate to have the best mother in law ever who always makes me feel welcomed and loved. She has been an excellent Grandmom to both of my kids. I take comfort in knowing she is here.

I think during my labor I will bring something of my Mom's and something of my stepmom's to give me strength and comfort when I need it most.

Grateful

I am still in utter disbelief that I am pregnant.  Even with today’s good news about my beta I am still in denial. The only things that are constant reminders that I am indeed pregnant are the ACHING bobs and the constant fatigue. By no means am I complaining. I feel so very blessed (in a non-religious way) to even be pregnant.

I spent so many days over the past year convinced I would never get pregnant again. I cried, cursed, yelled & cried again.  I blamed myself for allowing myself to get out of shape and for not taking better care of my body.  I felt broken. Women are amazing creatures. We have the ability to create and grow another life. I felt if I was unable to do that than I was considered broken. Looking back on those feelings I know they were irrational, but that is how I felt in that moment.

As I sit here with my aching boobs, barely able to keep my eyes open, I am blissfully happy and grateful to the universe.

Second Beta

I think I will start trying to enjoy this more!

Beta 1736.5
Progesterone 20.4

Doubling Time - 39.16 hours

Venting my spleen

I am starting to toy with the idea of password protected posts. I have some things I need to vent about and I do not want to feel like I have to filter myself.

This is my space to vent and let go of fears or to process them.

Good start!

So my beta came back yesterday. It was 77 & progesterone is 43 (at 10 dpo)! I feel somewhat better now. I have to go back for another beta on Monday to make sure my numbers are doubling as they should.  Once that is confirmed I think I get to make my first prenatal appt.

Maybe I will get a scan to take a look at Speck sometime at the end of February or for my birthday in March.

Today would have been my Mother's 56th birthday. It would have been an awesome gift to tell her I was expecting. Sadly, we lost her 5 years ago to an accidental overdose. This pregnancy although a joyous occasion is somewhat bittersweet for me without her.

Tomorrow also marks 6 years that we lost my step-mom to breast cancer. In past years during this time, I would be very depressed and sad, but with my recent BFP I am just overjoyed! I keep talking to my Mom & step-mom asking hem to watch over my growing little one. Each day I start to get a little more excited.

But man oh man..... this is going to be a long 9 months!

Nervous Nelly

So I have been pregnant for 3 days now. I went in for blood work yesterday and hope to have my beta count by tonight or tomorrow. To say I am worried is a total understatement.

I have not truly enjoyed the last 3 days like I thought I would. All I keep thinking about is whether or not Speck will stick around (yes that’s our nickname for the little one!).  Like many other women TTC, I spent vast amounts of time on Fert.lity Friend, reading TTC blogs and looking on other TTC related websites. I can remember reading about chemical pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages.  That is all that I have swirling in my brain right now.

I am almost too scared to get excited about this. We did tell some family & friends and I instantly felt regretful for doing so as I was convincing myself that something bad will happen. I guess this is the price you pay for being too educated about what can happen.  Its also the price you pay for knowing you’re pregnant as early as possible.

Please tell me I am not the only one who has felt this way??

Um...

I am beyond shocked.