And the beat goes on.

I'm sitting here using my new iPhone 4S. This Siri chick is kind of cool and I suspect she's the only woman in my life, that really listens...lol.

I am now at 6 dpo. I'm a little bit crampy & slightly more hungry than usual, but nothing out of the ordinary. I really do not like to look into these signs too much as they can drive me crazy!

Every I get my hopes up, I end up feeling really let down. I get very depressed for a couple of days and really take it out on people around me which isn't fair but it's very difficult to keep going through this month after month. There are plenty of women that have been trying much longer than me so when I hear myself complaining and then read their stories I feel like an ass.

I am only doing this a few more months. 12 cycles ....that's it. My insurance coverage does not cover any fertility procedures, but I was kind of hoping that once Lauren gets medical coverage through her nursing position it may cover it. Then again I'm not really sure I want to put myself through that. I mean I do have an extra uterus at home & I know Lauren probably has a really good chance of conceiving a child in a healthy fashion so why should I put my body through that??

Fact of the matter is, I probably would put my body through it. There's nothing more I want than to enjoy a happy healthy pregnancy with Lauren and to finally feel supported and loved.

Sad to say, but I really can't remember that much about my pregnancy with my daughter Brianna. I was so stressed out, working long hours and constantly worrying about money that I didn't take a moment to stop and really enjoy the miracle that was happening inside of me. I was a baby having a baby. I think being so stressed prevented me from properly bonding with my daughter. This is something that I deal with on a daily basis and really upsets me. As I was raising Brianna it was like I was growing up with her. Sometimes we seem to have more of a sisterly relationship than that of a mother-daughter one.

Since marrying Lauren and with the birth of my son Jamesen, I think I'm learning to change the roles around in the right direction. Lauren is a really great mother and really sets boundaries with the kids. She doesn't let guilt trips and manipulation change her mind or her decisions. She has taught me that structure is very important with kids and to always put their best interests first even if it's not the easiest thing to do.

This is why can't wait to have another baby with her.

We all have an intro post...

Ah, my first post! I have been here before! Once upon a time I had a fairly popular blog. I used to blog quite frequently, but daily life got in the way.  I have come to learn that writing for me can be very cathartic. This is a new chapter in my life and I wanted to start a whole new blog.  So many things have happened to change me & my perception of things.

So here I go again (cue the Whitesnake music)……

 My name is Melissa. I am a 33 year old married lesbian from New Jersey.  I have been married to my partner Lauren for 9 years, together 10. We have two children. My daughter “B” is 13 years old and from a previous relationship. Our son “J” is 5 years old and my wife Lauren is his bio-mom. We conceived him through at home insemination with a known donor. 

A lot of wonderful things are happening right now. Lauren just graduated nursing school! It was a very long journey as she worked at the same time as a Mental Health Screener. I also work full time as an Executive Assistant at a large utility company.  2013 will be a much better year for us financially and emotionally. Financial stress and lack of family time can take its toll on a couple. I can only see good things happening for us from here on out.

Back in the fall of 2012, my biological clock would not shut the hell up! I always knew we would want to have at least one more child but I always assumed Lauren would carry again. She LOVES being pregnant! So much that it spawned her the want to go back to school and become a midwife, thus the foray into nursing school. I started to feel a very strong need to have the next baby. I can’t really explain why as I was never one of those women that wanted to be pregnant. I got pregnant with my daughter at the age of 19 years old while on birth control….go figure! Physically I had a picture perfect pregnancy, but emotionally not so much. My daughter’s father was not the most supportive (we were together 4 years at that point) & I worked like a dog the entire time as a waitress. I was constantly stressed out and just plain miserable.

Being that I did not get the chance to enjoy my first pregnancy and all of the wonders that come with it, I think that is why I want to carry our next child so badly. Currently I am in the TWW (two week wait for all of you non-baby-making-folk) and in my 8^th cycle.  We are again using known donors. Yes I said donors as in 2. We are using my son’s bio father and also using a best friend of mine. The odds are better if we can inseminate as much as possible. We are going the home insemination route again as it went well with Lauren & we would like to have some privacy.

I have to admit that I am very stressed through the whole process. I did not think it would take this long. I guess I just assumed that I would become pregnant easily because I became pregnant when on birth control. I thought I must have some crazy strong eggs!  So not the case!  My cycles used to be fairly regular (every 32 – 35 days), but within the last 4 months that has changed. They now range in length (any where from 35 to 51 days).   I use Fertility Friend to track my temperature, OPKs, CM and any other sign I can analyze the hell out of. I pee on more sticks than a basset hound.

I had the same OB/GYN for 15 years and she constantly forgot I am gay. She told me to relax and just “let it happen”. This used to aggravate the shit out of me! Um, hello?!?! I am a lesbian. I can’t just “let it happen”! I lack sperm!  Every facet of this process is meticulously planned out and timed. It takes all of the relaxation out of it.  I couldn't continue to see her so I am now seeing a new OB/GYN.  I keep thinking there is something wrong with me because it is taking me this long to get pregnant. Logically I know it takes the average straight couple 12 months to conceive & it would most likely take me longer.  Even knowing this I still convince myself something is wrong. Lauren thinks I am being impatient and maybe I am, but she also got pregnant the first time with our known donor (previously we used a sperm bank for 3 months).  I know my age is a factor and my weight. I am not HUGE but I could stand to lose 50 lbs.  I blame me being so comfortable in my marriage. But I digress…

My new OB/GYN Dr. D is not so sure I am ovulating due to my crazy temps and irregular cycle length. I am a chronic insomniac so I can’t always depend on my temps.  I do use OPKs 3x a day to see when I will ovulate and I usually get a few days of positive results. Dr. D is having me get blood work done next week to see what my progesterone levels are and to confirm ovulation. I am hoping it will come back fine. If not, I will feel like I have wasted everyone’s time these past 8 months.

As of right now I am at 3dpo (again for all of your non conceptionites that means 3 days after ovulation). My insem timing was spot on and I am hoping this is my month. I try not to get my hopes up too high as when I see that negative pregnancy test my whole mood is shot and I get into a short term depressive state. It blows.

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey into baby making number 3. It could up as a pregnancy blog, infertility blog or me passing the torch back to my wife in about 6 months or so. We are both getting older so time is not on our side (she is also 33). 

Both of my children are at that independent point where they can grab something to eat and kinds fend for themselves. So I keep asking myself, am I nuts for having another?

I guess we will see.